DARREN: You know, sometimes it seems like life is all planned out
There's no choice in the matter
We're all gonna end up in the same place, whether we like it or not
But sometimes things aren't so simple
You can end up hurting the people you love the most,
Betraying the people you want to come through for
That's not me That's my Best friend, Steve
We've Been Best friends since third grade,
when he punched this kid, Billy Utsch, for slamming a locker door on my head
That's me I'm Darren Shan, and this is my story
Oh, and, trust me, spending this much time in a coffin
was never part of my plan
Guess I'm just lucky
(SCHOOL BELL RINGING)
(STUDENTS CHATTERING)
DARREN: Up until recently, my life was pretty good
I was popular enough
I got good grades, 'cause my allowance was tied to it
A's! I love you I love you
Yeah, that's the boy That's the boy
Hey, you BOY: What's up, D?
DARREN: And I had some cool friends
Hey, what's up?
DARREN: Uh, not including that dude
I mean, we were friends in fifth grade, But he'd Become kind of a freak
See, that used to matter to me
There was one thing in my life that was a Bit insane, one friend
Hey My Best friend
Let's cut, all right? What?
No, we're here Class is starting, man
All right, folks
What you got for me?
Okay, listen, I cannot deal with that jerk today
All right, Mr. Perfect, come on, take a risk Take a risk Come on!
(STEVE GRUNTS)
(CLATTERING)
So, hey, I'm thinking about moving to Mexico You want to go?
Yeah, sure Why not?
Yeah, you're not going anywhere, Mr. Perfect
(GLASS SHATTERING)
Oh, shit
Hey, man, I bet you can't hit that light from all the way back here
What? No, we're gonna get busted
"Steve, we're gonna get busted"
Hey! Rock Come on
And so the Mutually Assured Destruction policy of the Cold War
(GLASS SHATTERING) Was just that Mad
What the heck is that?
(MRS SHAN SOBBING)
I'm so sorry
It's that Steve It's that damn Steve
Uh
Did Darren tell you he got an A on his math test?
Yes, he did, honey Go to your room
You are not going to be friends with that Steve anymore!
Mom, I'm not five years old
You can't tell me who I can and can't be friends with
You are on a good path, Darren,
and that Steve is knocking you right off that path
What path?
The path to a happy, productive life
To a good college, a great job and a family of your own
A happy, productive life College, job, family!
College, job, family!
And one day, if you're really lucky,
you'll be standing here yelling at a teenager of your own!
DARREN: College, job, family!
College, job, family!
It's not that hard!
MRS SHAN: Darren, are you listening?
So, wait You
What, you told your parents you're not gonna be friends with me anymore?
Yeah, but, I mean, it doesn't mean anything
We're still like best friends
Okay, like what, secret best friends?
Yeah, kind of
I mean, no, it's like
Look, I don't care what they say
Bullshit
You do care what they say You do whatever they say
That's just who you are
You never stand up for yourself or anybody else
Maybe your parents are right
Maybe you shouldn't be friends with me I'm nothing I'm garbage
You're not garbage
You're my friend You're my best friend
(MYSTERIOUS MUSIC PLAYING)
Whoa!
"Cirque du Freak One night only The world's greatest freak show
"Five hundred years" What the heck?
Dude, that looks awesome
I can't go, though I'm grounded for two months
Right And we're also not friends anymore
What's this?
A freak show? This is illegal
I hope you weren't thinking of attending this
Because the idea of taking a group of disgusting,
weird, deformed people and exploiting them for money Not in our town
I'm assuming no one in this class would actually go to this
Hey You know that means something when the moon looks like that
I read about it
In one of your vampire books?
DARREN: I should explain
Steve was obsessed with vampires,
and I, on the other hand, was obsessed with spiders
I don't know why It was just like it was in our Blood or something
"Back in three seconds"?
One, two, three It's been three seconds
(DOOR OPENS)
(THUDDING)
(STEVE LAUGHS)
Uh
Okay
I guess they want money
Hey, I need two tickets, please
Hey! Hey!
Hey, come on I gave you the money, give me the ticket
(SNARLING) Ow! Whoa!
Holy crap! God, what was that?
Hey, come on!
(FOOTSTEPS RETREATING)
And it's gone
You okay? Yeah
Hello?
Are you boys 21?
Are you 21?
Say yes
Yeah Yeah
Good You don't have a tendency towards panic,
sudden cardiac arrest or crippling anxiety, do you?
Say no
No No
All right, then
Go ahead in Show is about to start
(AUDIENCE MURMURING)
Welcome
Welcome to the Cirque du Freak,
the oldest continuously operating freak show in the Western hemisphere
We have toured for 500 years,
bringing the bizarre to generation after generation
May I present the Wolfman!
(ROARING)
(WOMEN SCREAMING)
(CLICKING TONGUE)
(FLIES BUZZING)
MR TALL: (SOFTLY) No sudden noises
(GROWLS)
Dude, he totally just scratched his balls
(CRACKING KNUCKLES)
(AUDIENCE GASPS)
(ROARING)
(SCREAMING) STEVE: No!
Call an ambulance!
It's okay That's not necessary
(MR TALL CLICKS TONGUE)
Good boy
And stay
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
MR TALL: Ladies and gentlemen,
the enchanting recycling queen, Corma Limbs
And now our resident hunger artist, Alexander Ribs!
(AUDIENCE GASPS)
Freaky-freak, freak for freak freak
Oh, look, a candy corn
And next, Gertha Teeth!
And Rhamus Twobellies!
I have arrived!
(EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST)
Hey, nice bike!
Come on That is so rude
And next, Evra the Snake Boy!
(BIPPO HISSING)
Stay, Bippo
So, I'm Evra Von Britow, and we are Serpentine
(SCOFFS) Who's "we"?
There'll be some CDs for sale in the lobby immediately following the show
(GUITAR PLAYING ON AMPLIFIER)
(AMPLIFIER TURNS OFF)
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Bippo! No!
Bippo, drop it, spit that out!
Yes, I'm glad you're all enjoying this so much It's awesome
Evra, please be professional
It's not my fault I just want to play music
We'll discuss it later
But
And now,
the voluptuous, the exotic,
the insightful Madame Truska!
(EXOTIC DRUMBEAT PLAYING)
Do we have someone brave enough to be my assistant?
MAN 1: Over here MAN 2: Oh, yeah
Come on Come on
You
(GASPS)
Who are you?
My name is Fred Smith I'm from out of town
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
Larten, finish your act quickly, and let's leave this town early
What? I have someone here tonight
Ready for more?
Larten Crepsley and Madam Octa!
(GASPS)
Don't go on I have a foreboding
You always have a foreboding, beautiful
Larten!
(PEOPLE EXCLAIMING)
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen
I am so excited to be here in anonymous small town
which used to have character but is now just a bland suburb
filled with chain stores and surrounded by slums
It really is a pleasure to be here
And I am so honored that
blah, blah, blah and so on and so forth, et cetera, ad nauseum
I'm afraid I have some unfortunate news, however
I had hoped to present my usual act, but my spider, Madam Octa,
seems to have escaped from her cage and is currently missing
Use caution when retrieving your belongings from beneath your seats
She is very poisonous
But not to worry
Tonight I will perform for you some startling illusions
First, a rabbit from a hat
(EXCLAIMS)
(AUDIENCE GASPS)
This is Madam Octa
Interesting fact, one bite from this spider means certain death
But don't worry As long as I stay calm
She's beautiful
If I could just get my flute, that usually
(EXCLAIMING)
(PLAYING FLUTE)
Darren His name's not Larten Crepsley
It's Vur Horsten He's a vampire
I saw his painting in one of my vampire books
It's him He's got the same scars,
the same hair, the same everything
(AUDIENCE GASPING)
You seriously think he's a vampire?
Yeah
(PEOPLE SCREAMING)
May I have my spider back, please?
Now, boys, vampires don't exist,
but if one did and he thought someone knew,
he might smother them in their sleep
That's it! Show's over!
It's Mr. Kersey Come on, let's go
By order of the Health Inspector, this theater is shut down!
Good Lord, not again
Welcome to the Cirque What seems to be the problem?
We don't want you filthy people here
That's not the problem
The problem is you are exploiting these poor people for profit
Thank you Thank you so much for looking out for us
So you gonna let us move in with you? Give us jobs?
(ALL EXCLAIMING) Freak!
GERTHA: So clumsy I felt like a manatee It felt terrible
LOAF HEAD: No
Octa
Anyone here?
Whoa
Hey, Octa I'm Darren I'm a big fan
(PLAYING HESITANTLY)
CREPSLEY: (DISTANTLY) We can speak in private It's the only
We can talk in private The police have left now
GAVNER: So, this is what you've been doing with your life
CREPSLEY: You didn't like the act
(SOFTLY) I'm insane I'm insane I'm insane
Well, I saw the spider bit coming
Everybody's a critic
It's not easy to hold an audience's attention these days
To us and Charna's Guts To us and Charna's Guts
Did you see that fingernail moon tonight?
The first one in 50 years
Yes I noticed it
Look, Vincent's dead
Murdered Sucked dry By one of them
(LAUGHING MANIACALLY)
They're after us, man They're after us They're after us!
Those damn Vampaneze! They're gonna pick us off
First Vincent, then you, then me
Why me before you?
Well, because I'm the toughest, and they'll save me for last
Oh Of course, I forgot
Well, what about the Vampire Council?
They must have something to say about Vincent
Yes They say good riddance They're a bunch of wimps now, Larten
They'll do anything to avoid a war with the Vampaneze
There are no real generals left, hombre You and I were the last of the Mo-Freakins!
And to top it off, Tiny's back
Mr. Tiny? Back from the other side?
Yes! Just last week he was at the Council Library,
messing with the Book of Souls
He's trying to destroy us all!
Megalomaniac! That man's a megalomaniac!
And those murderous, scumbag Vampaneze,
they're up to something, too, and it's all connected
It's all connected I can feel it!
Come with me We can avenge old Vincent
Kill us some Vampaneze!
No I'm sorry
No? Why?
I'm done fighting
I left that life for a reason I'm just a vaudevillian
It's a simple life, and I like it
(PANTING)
Steve
I know who you are I know what you are, Vur Horsten
Who sent you? The Apocalypse Monger? The Blood Barons?
No No one I No one sent me I just
I have these vampire books, and I saw a painting of him
with some girl in, like, 1819
It said that she broke up with him when she found he was a vampire
(LAUGHING)
Did you hear that, Gavner?
Missy broke up with me because I was a vampire
Funny, I always thought it was the only thing she liked about me
Let the kid go Let him go
Now, are you mentally unfit?
Didn't you hear me threaten you at the show?
I did It was awesome
You see, I want this I want you to make me into a vampire
I mean, vampires, they don't take crap from anybody
They live by their own set of rules
It's true they do have their own rules We wrote some of them
Yes, and one of them is children can't become vampires
Look, look, blood
(GASPS)
Blood
You see, Gavner, blood
Look, if you become a vampire,
you have to leave your friends and your family
It's deeply depressing Trust me
Now get out of here
I haven't seen my dad in years
My mom is drunk all the time
I absolutely hate my life
I never actually said it before, but it's the truth
This is what I was meant for
What you're meant for?
Well, if that's the case, let's test your blood
No No
(SPITS)
Who sent you here? Your blood tastes of evil
(SPITTING)
You can never be a vampire
STEVE: What?
I have what, bad blood?
I'm never gonna forget this
One day, I promise you, I will hunt you down
And what?
Kill me?
Do you know how easily I could kill you? I could do it tonight
I could knock you out and lay you in front of a bus,
and no one would ever know!
Calm down Save that stuff for the enemy He's just an idiot kid,
who should be leaving right now
while he still can
(DOOR SLAMS)
(SIGHS)
You're out there, man
All right One for the road
I'm headed back to the Mountain
to try to convince those old cowards to stand up against the Vampaneze
Gavner, if we kill one of them, it means war
Wouldn't that be a shame?
Poor old Vincent
You've been awfully quiet under there
(SIGHS)
Get in
(TAPPING)
(WHIRRING)
Thanks Thanks, I really needed a ride
Oh, absolutely, absolutely delighted
(MURLAUGH GRUNTING)
Are you the one known as Steve?
No, I'm the one known as Darren
I actually had a bike
But I'll just get it tomorrow in the daylight
No need It's in the trunk
Now, if I may ask, Darren,
do you believe in the immutability of the human soul?
The what?
So, he knows nothing of souls, does he?
Knows only of blood, huh?
The pulsing, the delicious, the ruby red
(WHIRRING)
(GRINDING)
(CHUCKLES)
Wow, wow, you know what? You can just let me off right here
What's the rush?
After all, didn't we save you from the scary, scary vampire?
Doesn't act like leadership material
Acts more like a bag of blood Are you? Huh?
Bag of blood?
Shows how much you know, Murlaugh
I think he reeks of potential
Ow! Sorry
Souvenir
We all have a destiny, Darren
And with a few simple tests, we can find out what yours is
Wonderful to meet you, Darren
It's like looking in a mirror
Darren!
We'll be in touch
(EXCLAIMS)
Freaky dream Freaky Freaky
Hey Hey, I'm gonna try to get you some food, okay?
Just hold on one sec I'm gonna go get some flies from the window sill, okay?
Hey Why have you been acting so weird?
I'm not acting weird
You were just talking to your backpack
What?
No, I wasn't Darren, yes, you were
I wasn't Let me Just let me see it a second
You see? It's just my backpack Seriously, stop it
Hey, give me my backpack, man Hey, just let me see it
Holy shit! That's That's the
Yeah, I went back to the theater after the show and I kind of borrowed it
You stole from a vampire? Do you realize you're a dead man?
Shh! You're a dead man!
He's never gonna find me
Okay, just
Wait a second When did you go to Vur Horsten's room,
and what did you see?
All right, I saw everything
Steve, are you crazy? Why would you want to become a vampire?
Listen, you can't understand You have everything
What do I have? A secret best friend?
Hey, leave it in there, okay?
It's fine I want to see it
Be careful Hey, be careful, okay? Be really careful
(DARREN CLEARS THROAT)
This thing's even more hideous close up
Can you just put it back now, please?
(SCHOOL BELL RINGING)
(BOTH EXCLAIMING)
DARREN: Okay, I need the pipe
GIRL: I got a B-minus in history
DARREN: No!
(GIRLS SCREAMING)
Oh, my gosh, what is that?
(WHISTLING)
(STUDENTS CLAMORING)
Move!
DARREN: Steve! Wait!
(SCREAMING) What's going on?
STEVE: Move! Get out of the way, idiots!
Watch out! Move!
Hey! Steve, don't!
Now I got you! Hold still!
What's the matter with you? Whose side are you on?
Hey! No! Hey!
GIRL: Guys, look, it's in his shirt!
(STUDENTS SCREAMING)
Get it off me!
GIRL: Oh, my God!
(GRUNTS)
So what have you come to steal from me this time? Thief!
Nothing Nothing
Look, Octa bit my best friend, Steve, and he's in the hospital,
in a coma, because of me
And I was wondering if you had an antidote
I do
Thank you
But I only have a couple doses left
Why should I waste any on some little psychopath?
Please, I'm begging you, okay?
Look, I'm really sorry I stole Octa
I don't know what came over me I never steal things
Why not?
Because it's wrong
So then you've learned a valuable moral lesson
Yes, I have
And you'll never do anything wrong again, as long as you live
No, I won't
You see? Now you're a thief and a liar
What did Mr. Tiny want?
Mr. Tiny?
The fat man in the limousine!
I don't know, something about souls and And destiny
And he knew where I lived
Looks like you're in deep shit, my larcenous friend
Mr. Tiny doesn't just take a random interest in people
And the people he does take an interest in wind up dead or worse
What's worse than dead?
Oh
Lots of things
All right I'll do it I'll make you a bargain
You'll become my assistant I'll turn you into a half vampire
You'll be able to go out in the daylight, very useful for me
You'll do chores for me and guard my coffin on the road
And in return, I'll try and keep Mr. Tiny away from you
Oh, and I'll save your stupid friend Steve,
despite the fact that he threatened to kill me
You'll save Steve?
Why not?
If I became a half vampire, would I have to kill people?
Interested, huh?
Vampires don't kill the people they feed on Vampaneze do
Big source of controversy, war for about 80 years, then a truce,
getting ugly again, apparently But time's wasting
Want to become a vampire?
It's a lonely life, but there's lots of it
I can't make that decision right now
Do you wanna go home and ask your mommy and daddy?
Do they make all the decisions for good little boys like you?
No, they don't
Poor Steve doesn't have much time left
Fine, I'll do it To save my friend, not for any other reason
So get the antidote
Right here
Thank you Thank you so much
First things first
Let's test your blood
What are you doing? I'm not gonna bite you in the jugular I could kill you that way
Show me your hands
Ow!
Mmm
You have good blood This will work All right, hold up your hands
We're going to exchange blood
That's creepy
I know But that's how it's done
This may hurt when it gets to your heart
(HEARTBEAT ACCELERATING)
I feel cold
Lick your fingers
Whoa, is that like vampire power? Do I have super-spit now?
Yes, you have super-spit The rest will take a while
The rest of what? What will I be able to do?
Can I, like, turn into a bat and stuff?
No, that's bullshit
Now hop on my back We're going to flit
We're gonna what?
Just shut up and hop on my back
(INHALES DEEPLY)
(EXHALES)
(EXCLAIMS)
(GASPING)
You held your breath, right?
Did I not tell you to hold your breath?
(GRUNTS) Oh
Sorry
Hold on
Why didn't we just take the elevator?
I get claustrophobic
Strange, huh, given where I sleep every night
But somehow when it's my own confined space, it's different
He looks horrible Can you give him the antidote, please?
She really didn't like him
DARREN: Be careful
Hey, what are you doing?
Shh
That's it, right? He's gonna be better now?
That's it
(ALARMS BEEPING)
(SIGHS)
You are insufferable
Back! Stay back!
WOMAN ON PA: Code Blue
You have no idea how ridiculous you look right now
Code Blue
All right If you want to pretend this isn't happening, fine
But being a vampire takes skill What is a code blue?
Code Blue, code Blue
Try not to do something stupid like kill your family
Code Blue, code Blue, room 519, stat
You are not supposed to be in here!
Code Blue All available staff please report to room
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
BOY: It must have hurt
Yeah, it hurt
It wasn't It wasn't fun
It's great you're back
Yeah We missed you
Well, well, well, Steve is back, huh?
So, Steve, what you got for me?
Stay away from those brownies They're for dessert
Okay No brownies
Next
Hey, Darren, do you think that this outfit looks better on her, or this?
What's going on?
(HEART THUMPING)
You look weird Darren
(ROARS) Darren!
(SCREAMS)
Sorry
Sorry, I I was just pretending to be a vampire
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
CREPSLEY: Nice room
Some excellent reading material you have here
Thought this was all on the Internet now
Mine's blocked
Hmm
(SNIFFLING)
Don't No, don't do that Don't cry
Honestly Stop, stop No
I'm not crying
Of course not That's what
Look, I don't want to hurt people, okay? I'm not like you
I was this close away from killing my sister
Perhaps you should have thought of that before you stole my spider!
Look, I'm sorry, but you can't stay here
You're going to have to leave them
Like forever?
Like forever
It's time to admit that to yourself, Darren
But you can't just leave
You're going to have to die first
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Hi, Mom Hi, Dad
MR SHAN: Hmm?
Hi Hi
Hey, I just wanted to say that you guys are really, really good parents
You're doing a great job, and I'm sorry for not doing all my chores
and for complaining so much
And I love you guys a lot
We love you, too, sweetie
Bye, Annie
How old were you when you became a vampire?
Twenty It was 1803, the third of May
I'd just been left by my fiancée, Hesther Collins
I thought she was the most beautiful girl in Baltimore
I saw her again 60 years later She was an old crone,
but my heart still beat like a jackrabbit
Wow, dumped, huh?
So big, bad, old Crepsley became a vampire 'cause he got dumped?
(LAUGHING)
Have you ever been dumped?
Yeah
Then perhaps you should be more sympathetic
Here it is Drink up
My lips are numb
Good
I've got pins and needles in my hands
Excellent That means it's working
Nice night, actually
Is that the Little Dipper or the Big one? I can never remember
Sorry about that
I had to do that or they would never believe you were dead Don't worry
There's no damage to your spinal cord,
and I'll sneak into the funeral home and fix your broken neck
Oh, and sorry about this next part
Darren,
I hate you so much for leaving me here with these idiots
Darren Hey, Shan!
Asswipe, are you in there? Darren! Steve
Okay, time out, time out Not about you We're all feeling grief
Wake-y, wake-y
Here Fill that hole
I can't do that I'm all cramped up My legs are still numb
Can you feel this?
Ow! What the heck?
(SNIFFING)
Do you smell a rotting corpse?
Ha, ha, very funny
Get back in the grave
I'm not getting back in the grave
Don't argue with me Get in
No
(GASPS)
(CREPSLEY GRUNTING)
Hello, old friend Old Crepsley How's the scar?
Shall I give you another?
(BOTH GRUNTING)
(SCREAMS)
(MURLAUGH LAUGHS)
(DARREN EXCLAIMS)
Hello, bag of blood
You're coming with me
(EXCLAIMING)
Run!
(SPITS)
You come with Murlaugh now You're one of us
Not one of those filthy vampires
DARREN: (MUFFLED) Let me go!
Where are we going?
(DARREN EXCLAIMS)
Hold your breath
DARREN: What? No, no, no, no, no, no
(CAR HORN BLARING)
Let's go!
Not yet!
(HORN BLARING)
Don't look behind you
Oh, my God Oh, my God! Are you all right?
Come here!
(PANTING)
Breathe
GIRL 1: Right over the plate!
GIRL 2: Oh, my God
Do you know those guys?
Are we there yet?
Almost
(LAUGHTER ECHOING)
DARREN: Where are we?
CREPSLEY: The Cirque's winter campgrounds
You'll be safe here if they let you stay
Try to fit in
Come on
So all the freaks live here?
Yes
(PEOPLE CHATTERING)
(CLEARS THROAT)
Don't stare
MAN: It's really
LOAF HEAD: You want to go to my tent? You know, we can rehearse in my tent
GERTHA: I'm not gonna rehearse in your tent
It'll be great, you know You always have fun in my tent
Wait here for me
MAN 1: Well, I was thinking about it
I mean, you're not gonna be able to do this forever, right?
MAN 2: If you set everything up, so I can just fill it out
Neutral The Cirque has always remained neutral
That's how it has survived all these years
You'll still be neutral
I'm not trying to drag you into anything I'm trying to keep myself out of it
And why exactly do you think Tiny wants this boy?
I'm not sure yet
But whenever Mr. Tiny wants something,
I make it my policy to try and keep him from it
That's a dangerous policy
Hey, what are you doing? That's Mr. Tall's tent
Hi, I'm Darren
What are you doing here?
(LAUGHS)
That's what I'm trying to figure out
You can listen if you want
How much does the boy know?
Nothing
He's waiting by my tent if you want to speak with him
You know, Larten, the thing you might not realize about children is,
they don't always do what they're told!
Rebecca Don't you have work you should be doing?
Yes Sorry, Mr. Tall It won't happen again I mean, I don't eavesdrop on people
It was his idea
I didn't make you do anything
Well, you couldn't make me do anything if you tried
Oh, really, huh?
MR TALL: Enough Rebecca,
I would like you to take Darren to Evra's tent
Evra will be his roommate while he stays with us
You'll have to work, Darren Everybody here pitches in
That's fine
I actually worked for my dad's office a couple of weeks this summer
I did photocopies, so
This is on a temporary basis, Larten I can't endanger everybody for your sake
Of course Thank you
So, what are you doing here anyway, with all these freaks?
Why? Do you have a problem with freaks?
No, I mean, they kind of freak me out, but
They freak you out Clever, really clever
Well, I really have to get back to work Harkat can show you the way
Harkat, take Darren to Evra's tent, please
(GRUMBLING)
Well, you better follow him
Okay, see you sometime
(CHUCKLES)
No, I saw what you did to my friend Steve's hand at the theater, buddy
(GRUMBLING)
Dude, I'm not giving you my hand, okay?
(WHIMPERING)
I'm sorry Here
(SNARLS)
TRUSKA: Harkat!
You have to stop biting people, or no one will want to be around you
You
Death
Redemption Despair
(EXCLAIMS)
Triumph Disaster
What did I say?
"Death, redemption, despair, triumph, disaster"
Well, don't worry about it Go ahead, Harkat Take him to Evra's
And no more teeth
(MOANS)
You mean, this is it?
EVRA: Chill in the laundry for a sec There you go Good girl
Good snake Love you
(HISSING)
So, I guess we're gonna be roommates So how are you f'd up?
F'd up? Freaked up
How What kind of freak are you?
Oh, I'm not a freak I'm normal
You're normal?
No I mean, I'm half vampire,
but I'm completely normal
You're a half vampire, but you're normal
I like that
And don't worry about, like, if I'm gonna drink your blood or anything
I'm not gonna drink anyone's blood
What a relief Okay, this isn't awkward at all
This is your corner of the tent All right?
You do not cross over to any other part of the tent,
except to enter and exit the tent All right?
And you are never, ever to touch my stuff, especially this stuff over here
This is my recording studio
Oh, cool Yeah, I I actually used to have a drum set,
but, you know, my parents made me give it away, so
Mmm Yeah
Well, there are no parents here
(CHUCKLES)
Oh
(EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST)
Yeah Shedding, itches like crazy
You should actually go wash your hand off before you get pink eye
(CLICKING TONGUE RAPIDLY)
Did you forget to tell me you were going to go away for a couple of days? Huh?
I can't believe you're treating me like this I've been worried sick
Why can't you just get a cell phone?
Because vampires don't need cell phones
(SCOFFS) "Vampires don't need this, vampires don't need that"
I'll tell you what vampires need
They need to listen Didn't I tell you that I had a foreboding?
And what do you do? You show up here with that kid
It's been a long night I just flitted across two states
I think I'll just hit the pine early
No, wait
You don't love me anymore It's my beard
You know how I feel about you I just don't want to outlive anyone
It's depressing watching people you care about grow old while you stay young
Have you looked at yourself in the mirror lately?
(CHUCKLES)
You're no kid
Oh, no, no I'm still angry at you Mmm-mmm
Your mouth says no, but your beard says yes
I can't believe he's gone, man
I know He was like my best friend
No, he was my best friend
I knew him first So what?
I thought he was a dick
What? What?
Dude Oh, my
Here, get up before one of the teachers see you That kid's psycho
Mr. Leonard, what you got for me here? Finish the quiz already?
MR TINY: Careful Whoa!
The first step is a big one
Oh, I know You miss the one known as Darren
You feel betrayed, abandoned You're a loyal friend,
unlike him
Darren was a loyal friend
Oh, really?
What if I told you he's still alive? He's taken your place,
stealing your dreams Oh, I know
You dream of killing people, drinking their blood
You dream of leading a great, bloodthirsty army
Who the hell are you?
I'm Mr. Tiny
Are you a vampire?
No, I'm not a vampire I'm not a Vampaneze
I'm an aficionado
I want to see a marvelous war
What do you want from me, you freak?
I'm not a freak I despise freaks
Can a freak travel back and forth between life and death?
I think not
Can a freak create new life from rotting flesh and dead souls?
Please
Can a freak bring about the apocalypse and rule the world?
No
Sadly, neither can I, not without help I need a champion
One of two boys, two dear friends
And by the way, I love your DNA
(EXHALES)
You care for a pancake?
No, I can't I'm
We know what you are
You're bad news That's what
(SCOFFS)
But nothing I couldn't deal with in just about two bites
(CHOMPING)
Don't mind him He just needs some Ex-Lax
Welcome to the Cirque
Thank you
Would you like to eat one of my hands? I can grow them back
Yeah, they are delicious
Hey, Vampelina
Come on, we gotta go clean out Wolfie's cage,
and then Crepsley left, like, a list of stuff for you to do for him
It looks like you're Crepsley's bitch now
Evra What?
(GROWLING)
Okay, so you guys are gonna do it And go
DARREN: I can't believe the tiny people eat these rats
REBECCA: They'll eat you if you don't watch out
(EXCLAIMS) Don't!
So where do you come from anyways?
(GRUNTS)
(EXCLAIMS)
I guess I could probably, like, open this up,
and you'd probably turn into dust or something, huh?
You wouldn't like that now, would you, Dracula?
Who's the boss now, baby?
Okay Concentrate now How hard can it be to flit?
(GROANS)
Ow Perfect
(SHUDDERS)
What's the point?
I'm just not that much of a freak
Gertha, you're a major freak
Sorry, you're not my type
Do you ever miss your family?
Not really
I joined the Cirque when I was two Two days old, that is
Mr. Tall found me in a dumpster So I guess this is my family
(PLAYING GUITAR)
(SINGING) Dumpster Baby, oh, dumpster Baby
I wanna Be your dumpster Baby
No
Hey, this is Steve You know what to do
What are you doing?
Oh, nothing
May I see it?
Yeah, I guess
I've always wanted one of these
Hey! What are you doing?
We must be very careful who we talk to, Darren
(CAR APPROACHING)
(ROARS)
(ALL MUTTERING EXCITEDLY)
(MAKING MONKEY CALLS)
Go to your tent and stay there with Evra
Yes I have returned
I have returned!
Unacceptable Unforgivable To blood a child?
(ACCUSING IN FRENCH)
By the way, is he drinking enough blood?
He's not drinking any blood
Not drinking blood?
Crepsley, don't you know he has to? He must
Or perhaps you're worried he'll love it too much
He might be Vampaneze at heart
You'd like that
You've been favoring them for the last 100 years
On the contrary, I'm strictly neutral, like the Cirque
Correct, Mr. Tall?
Correct
Then tell us why you want him
It's one of your self-fulfilling prophecies, isn't it?
Well, one does dream of the cataclysm
This truce may not last forever
There might be new leaders New blood, as it were
Perhaps a boy, a bloodthirsty boy
It's all been written
Then why do you care? You're up to something, Desmond
Me? I may write the script,
but the characters have a tendency to do as they please
You, for example, have an unseemly amount of free will
Now, Mr. Tall, will you be reasonable and give me the child?
I've always done what you ask I'm not one to cause trouble
But I need to think about all this I won't make a decision hastily
You know, I always get what I want, in the end
(ALL CHATTERING)
MR TINY: Keep an eye on him, my pets
Hey, dude Sorry, we're on our own today
Rebecca's back in the costume shop
Hey
I'm here for Crepsley's cape
It's that red one with, like, the
I know what Crepsley's cape looks like
What do your friends want?
Hey! Beat it!
Does this trailer have, like, a back entrance or something?
Yeah, it's right back there Wait, your pants are ripped
Take them off Try this pair on
DARREN: They fit
Yeah
So, you know, Rebecca, you
You never really told me what you're doing here with the Cirque
Well, Darren, since you ask,
I'm a monkey girl
You're a what?
What?
Nothing, I thought you just said you were a monkey girl
Well, oh, yeah
Yeah
What does that mean?
It means I have a tail Do you have a problem with that?
No, because 'Cause you're joking, right?
No, I'm not joking I keep it wrapped up because people kept stepping on it
Oh
Yeah
Anyway, your pants look really good
Yeah, I know You picked it out That's really good
(YELPING)
Shush!
Thanks They've been spying on me all day
So if you were interested in a girl, okay, and she had like
Like a tail, let's say, would that be a problem or
Well, I'll put it to you this way
If you had told me a couple hundred years ago
that I would someday be dating a woman with bristles on her chin,
I would have told you you were insane But here we are
By the way, there's a new rule You're not to leave camp anymore
Why not?
Because I said so
(SCOFFS)
You're not my dad You can't just tell me what to do
CREPSLEY: When was the last time you were in a fight?
DARREN: Uh Second grade
Steve's usually the one that gets in all the fights
Well, Steve's not here to fight for you
And what if I wasn't, either?
What if you were alone in the dark and someone wanted to kill you?
Rip out your heart and drink its blood?
What then?
Crepsley?
Crepsley, come on
Crepsley?
You're hurting me
What are you going to do about it? Well?
(BOTH GRUNTING)
You're soft You're a soft little boy
They're looking for you, Darren This is not the schoolyard
You either have to learn to fight or to run So which is it going to be?
Good But don't use your fist You have something better
Use your fingernails like a dagger Watch
Try it Extend your fingers and follow all the way through
Use all your strength
Ow!
God, I think I broke a nail
You broke a nail?
You need blood We have a lot of work to do
Blood will have blood
ALL: Blood will have blood
Are you ready, you filthy little pig, to be stuck?
Do you renounce living with the living?
Are you prepared to die with the dead?
(WHIMPERS)
(SNARLS)
(BANGING ON DOOR)
Steve, what the hell are you doing?
Well, hi, Mr. Kersey
I just wanted to stop by real quick
and actually apologize for the way, you know,
I've been acting in school lately
It's 3:00 am
My teachers troubled me when I was a lad
They caned me and caned me till I was bloody
(SNARLS)
Then one day, I took up a broken switch,
and I rammed it in my teacher's eyeball
(MURLAUGH CHUCKLING)
Who are you?
I'm his mentor
You see, Steve?
Ow!
This is what Crepsley wants us to live with
So, Mr. Kersey, what you got for me?
So you really don't kill people?
No, Darren
You just sedate them and feed a little bit, and then leave
I actually developed the method
Well, two other vampires and I, Gavner and Vincent
We were the freaks of the vampire world No one understood us
And then they started to realize
that if you don't kill your prey every time like a little piggy,
then you don't get hunted down by irate townspeople with pitchforks and torches
And now half the vampires feed this way, and the other half hate us
Quiet now
(EXHALES)
DARREN: Whoa! How'd you do that?
Vampires can exhale a gas that knocks out humans
Really?
Drink some blood, you'll be able to do all kinds of things
Now, we just make a small incision in his shoulder Right here
And then you take a sip
Don't worry He won't become a vampire unless you exchange blood with him
Go ahead I had some a couple of days ago It's very refreshing
No, I'm not gonna drink human blood
Hurry up, before someone sees us We haven't got all night
I'm not going to
You have to drink blood, Darren, or you'll die It's as simple as that
Damn kid is gonna get himself killed
Larten, what made you blood him?
I needed someone to run errands for me
Oh, come on, you didn't need to blood him for that
I had a feeling if I didn't, something terrible would happen to him
Something terrible? As opposed to becoming a vampire?
I think you're getting lonely
After 200 years of living alone, why on earth would I suddenly become lonely?
I don't know Midlife crisis? What is it?
They're here
(EXCLAIMS)
(GRUNTING)
REBECCA: Watch out!
(GASPING)
(GRUNTS)
That's not fair Back!
REBECCA: Darren, get out of here!
CREPSLEY: Duck!
(SCREAMING)
CREPSLEY: Move
Get in
Psst
(FLIES BUZZING)
(GROWLING)
(SNIFFING)
(ROARING)
(SCREAMING)
Hey! Hey!
Look, I don't even like the Wolfman,
but that don't mean you can come in here and beat up on a freak!
You're messing with the wrong sideshow, baby!
I'll bite your damn noses off!
I'm gonna ram my head up your ass
MR TALL: Stop!
Stop!
There'll be no fighting here
How dare you enter this campground? The Vampire Council will hear of this
Tell the little vampire it's time to come home
It's almost dawn I have a spare coffin here I suggest you get some rest as well
Aren't we gonna, like, double back and attack them or something?
Do you want to stay alive?
You're not even drinking blood yet I doubt you'd be much good in a fight
Well, what if they hurt someone?
People can look out for themselves
You've been looking out for me
Why?
Why? Because I'm an idiot, that's why
Only an idiot would spit in the eye of Mr. Tiny
Because he doesn't just kill people, he brings them back, as well
And when I finally die, I plan on staying dead
Life may be meaningless, but death I still have hope for
Life isn't meaningless
Tell me that after 200 years of it, kid Good day
(RATS SQUEAKING)
WOMAN 1: You know I never liked him
WOMAN 2: I never did, either
WOMAN 1: I told you when I first saw him
WOMAN 3: Should never have let him in
WOMAN 4: We all know it's his fault
WOMAN 5: I just can't believe he has the nerve to walk around in here
WOMAN 6: That poor Rebecca
They took her? Where?
I don't know, but they said to tell you to come home
Which, of course, you're not gonna do Wait, Darren, Darren No, buddy
Those guys are huge, man
Hey, Mr. and Mrs. Shan Hey, Annie
Steve What are you doing here?
Well, you know, I've been thinking You guys probably really miss your son
And my mom is drunk half the time, so she doesn't really notice I'm there
How about you guys adopt me?
(CLATTERING)
No interest?
Told you they wouldn't go for it
Hmm
How disappointing
So few "people" have the parenting instinct the way I do
(EXHALES CONTENTEDLY)
Ready for the prom?
(SINGING) Make new friends, But keep the old
One is silver and the other's gold
Make new friends, But keep the old
One is silver and the other's gold
(GASPS)
(SQUEAKING)
(OCTA SQUEAKING)
Hey, Octa Say goodbye to Crepsley for me, okay?
Tell him I'm sorry but I have to go home
(SIGHS)
It's time, isn't it?
Twenty-six Twenty-seven, 27
Twenty-seven
All right, no, no Twenty-eight
May I borrow a couple of these?
Don't forget to bring them back, though Both of them
You're in danger, terrible danger
Your life and soul are in jeopardy
What did I say?
Nothing Something about the weather
Chance of thunderstorms tomorrow Don't worry I'll stay indoors
Applause! Applause!
Look Little vampire
(SNARLS)
Take a bow
Where are my family and my friends?
Please
Must have patience Will spoil the show
Do you like? Does Murlaugh have talent?
No? What do you know about talent?
Where is Crepsley?
(SCOFFS)
Too bad for Crapsley
Because he will miss the show!
Here is freak all wrapped up tight
(WHIMPERS)
And here are beloved family members Applause Applause
Hello, beloved son Hello, loving parents
Hello, cute little sister Four bags of blood
Don't worry You're all gonna be okay
Will be better than okay
Will be delicious!
But now, may I present
reunion with oldest friend and blood brother,
with he that shall one day rule us all,
the one known as Steve
Thank you! Thank you!
Steve
You're alive?
You know, that was really an asshole thing for you to do
Make your whole family and your secret best friend go through all that?
Look, I didn't mean to hurt anybody, okay?
Who cares what you meant to do?
What you did was take my place That was my dream
Steve, what are you doing with him?
Who? Murlaugh?
Come on, man, he's not as bad as he looks
You know, for one thing, he didn't say I had bad blood like Crepsley
And for another thing, he didn't lie to me
And you know what? They think I'm awesome
They say I have a destiny, or whatever Look at you
Who wants to be a vampire anyways? Vampires suck
Vampaneze rule!
(WHIMPERING) Juicy!
First guy I killed, Mr. Kersey
Blood just gets me going, you know what I mean?
I wouldn't know I haven't been drinking any
I know you Always trying to look like Mr. Goody-Two-Shoes all the time
I bet you'll, like, resist drinking blood
and resist drinking and resist drinking it,
at the last second become this total bloodhound!
All right, man, here's the deal
See, the fat guy, he still wants you on the team, and despite everything else,
you are still my best friend So I'll tell you what,
I'll make you a deal that might just save your ass
If you kill your family, I'll let the freak go
Wait My bad, that's backwards
If you kill the freak, I'll let your family live
What? Let the juicy one go?
Hey, look, man, it's part of the plan Talk to Mr. Tiny
So what do you say?
Just kill her Oh, yeah, you got to drink her blood, too
You can do her in with this
(STEVE GRUNTING)
(SCREAMS)
MR TINY: Wait!
Allow him in, gentlemen
I want to see this play out
Man, that was pathetic You're totally weak You need some blood
(DOOR OPENS)
Murlaugh
Finally
And we thought you weren't gonna show
(OCTA SQUEAKING)
(EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST)
(SCREAMS)
I hate spiders!
(BOTH GRUNTING)
Darren Come here
Okay
Is that your tail?
Well, yeah
I'm really sorry I got you involved in this, okay? I
Please stop staring So you really need blood?
Yeah All right
Can you just take a little? Go ahead
I'm offering it to you
Thanks But I just can't lose it
What?
Whatever's still making me human
Darren, being human's not about what you are It's about who you are
(BOTH EXCLAIMING)
(EXCLAIMS)
No
(GROANING)
(GROANS)
(GROANING)
He's all yours, lad
(STEVE GRUNTS)
Good Right in the heart
So fair and foul a day I have not seen
My people aren't weak like yours
They will avenge me, Crepsley
(CHUCKLING)
The truce, 100 years, is over
The war begins
(MR TINY APPLAUDING)
Marvelous Magnificent
Really Bravo Bravo
It's just like you said We started the war
It won't start a war if nobody hears about it
(BOTH YELLING)
Young people today are so difficult to control
I hate you
I hate you!
I became a vampire to save you, Steve
Thanks
(BOTH GRUNTING)
Go ahead Just do it!
That's enough, boys
Steve, come with me
Not before I kick his
You will behave!
It's not time for you to fight Not yet
What does that mean?
Oh, it's all written down in a book
You do read books, don't you?
DARREN: Steve
Look, don't Don't go
What else am I supposed to do, man?
Live with you and a bunch of freaks?
It's too late now
I have my destiny, and you have yours
How poignant The parting of two dear friends
Such sweet sorrow
Then again, you will come home to us one day
My prodigal son
After all, you are the bloodthirsty one
No Just because I'm a vampire doesn't mean I'm bloodthirsty
It's not about what you are It's about who you are
Oh
I almost forgot
(THUNDER CLAPPING)
Cover yourself
You have to teach me how to do that someday
Oh, I'll teach you everything, son
All my gibes and gambols Now, ready to go meet your people?
Bye, Annie
DARREN: Will it work? Hypnotizing them?
(SOFT SNORING)
It works on the memories, but not on the emotions, not really
They'll always feel that you're still alive, somehow
Well, that's good, right?
Is it?
Hey, can I ask you something?
Can I kiss you?
Darren, I let you drink my blood Sure, you can kiss me
Come on We don't have all night I have an injured spider here
All right, how are we going to do this? I can't carry the both of you
You carry Rebecca I can flit now
Just like a real vampire
Oh, Larten, you did it
You stuck your neck out for him
You'd think a vampire would know better than to stick his neck out
I am proud of you
All those who vote for making Darren
a member of the Cirque raise your hands
One hand, Evra
Damn it
It's done He will stay
(ALL CHEERING)
So we get to stay
Not for long, I'm afraid
You know, Crepsley, it's okay
It's weird I spent so much time wishing that none of this would have happened
and that we never would have been to the Cirque in the first place
But now I really can't imagine my life happening any other way
Dawn's coming
I had something made for you It's in your tent
A little gift
And it's Mr. Crepsley
Because you told me to throw you Well, I'm sorry
You did it, man Once a general, always a general
I couldn't have done it better myself
At nightfall, we leave with the boy
I suppose we should tell him
No, let's give him one day to rest He's earned it
DARREN: Sometimes life does seem all planned out,
like there's no choice in the matter,
But that's an illusion
Speakers Tasty
My name's Darren Shan,
and I don't just live with a Bunch of freaks I am one, too
---the end---